does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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