Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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