I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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