You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
