My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
