I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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