So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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