if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
