You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
