If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
