just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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