i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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