my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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