so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
