so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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