I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
