I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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