dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
