honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
