i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
