nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
