Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
