just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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