This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
