I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
