lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize