I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
