Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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