I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize