Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
