I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
