Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
