I just threw up on my dentist
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize