I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
one might say we're banned from that church
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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