Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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