guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize