so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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