I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
