Michael Bay diarrhea
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
