Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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