Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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