At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dicks are not precious.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
