theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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