i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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