Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
