someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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