please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
