hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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