; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
