too bad you live with your parents still
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
