She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
