Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
home. puking in laundry basket.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
