A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm jealous of your bromance
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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