My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
