i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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