she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
