I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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