Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
